Time To Get Personal

I know my blog has been geared towards beauty but I thought I'd share something with all of you that is one of the most personal things in my life. I absolutely hate talking about it because sometimes I feel like it's a weakness of mine and it's very difficult to fully grasp it unless you're going through it. It is one of the hardest things that I deal with on a daily basis. I think some of you will finally understand why I am the way that I am, why I decline some invitations and why I've never asked for a ride anywhere.

When you look at me you'll see what I want you to. You'll see a pretty face but you'll never guess that I suffer from agoraphobia. I'm sure some of you are about to open up google and look up what that means but I'll tell you. "Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless and embarrassed." (Mayo Clinic)

I call it a fear of a fear. I'm scared of being scared basically. I've had this for the last 10 years and I still don't know why or how it happened. Sometimes there isn't a reason either. I used to do everything and go everywhere and now I'm very limited to both. I won't go into huge detail about everything because I could probably write a book on it but I'll give you the gist of how it's affected my life. 

When you have anxiety, you have a safety net and comfort zone. Your safety net is usually your home or work place. Your safety zone is the area where you're comfortable going to. It might be down the street, around the block, or within the city. Until you go outside that comfort zone, is when anxiety will start to creep up. We feel safest in those areas and have become used to it that we don't get anxious because we know our escape route if we ever needed one.

Escape routes are huge for people with anxiety. If ever see me looking around, it's not that I'm ignoring you, it's that I'm looking for all exits possible to plan out my route if I ever needed to get out fast. I have gps on my phone but I also have a gps system for the car. Getting lost is not something you want to do when you have anxiety. 

For me personally, I've been homebound twice not able to go anywhere. So for those of you that thought I was pregnant when I left halfway through freshman year, you were wrong. I couldn't make it out the front door, let alone to school. And then having to walk that huge campus from class to class, there was no way. (I did go back my sophomore year and finished out the next 3 years on campus.)

I would have a panic attack if I just thought about going somewhere. And once I thought about it, my mind went into overdrive and I would think of all the possible outcomes that would happen. When I had my first panic attack, I was in the car. So a car, any car, is an anxiety trigger for me. 

Because of the car trigger, I don't drive with almost anyone. The three people that I will allow to drive me anywhere are my mom, dad and sister. The reason being, not many people have witnessed a panic attack happening and would probably freak out if they did. When I'm having an attack, I can be the only one freaking out. Also, all three of them have witnessed me getting sick so if I were to get sick, they wouldn't judge me or make me feel embarrassed like I would if I were with someone else. 

A huge thing that causes me anxiousness is time. How long something will take. When you're anxious, you don't want to wait. The longer you sit, the more anxious you become. I hate sitting at red lights. If there's a way around them, that's the route I'll take. 

A couple years ago I was doing really well with my anxiety. I was working, going places, doing things. It was really starting to look up. And then, in the blink of an eye, on my way to pick up my dog from my then boyfriend's house, I had a horrible feeling rush over me. It was a panic attack. I went into flight mode. I flipped a U on a red and sped to my work place which was in between his house and my house because it was a safe zone for me.

Having an anxiety attack is extremely uncomfortable. My body goes cold, my heart races, my hands sweat, I'm cold but burning up at the same time, my stomach hurts to the point that I think I'm going to be sick and the entire time my brain is telling me, "Run! Run! This is not safe!" So I got the hell out of there. Since then things have been difficult and I've regressed. 

There is a list of things I cannot do and places I cannot go right now; the movies, amusement parks, certain restaurants, long drives, etc. If you've invited me somewhere and I've declined, it's not because I didn't want to go, it's simply because I couldn't. At least not right now. I'm trying to get back to where I was because I know it's possible, I've done it twice before. It's just a matter of time.

I have lost relationships because of this but I'm okay with that. I look at it this way, your vows when you get married say, 'in sickness and in health' and when I was sick, they left. Why would I want that? I can be mad at God, and boy was I for the longest time, but I realized it's not punishment. It's to show me just how strong I am. He doesn't give you anything you can't handle. 

If you are suffering with anxiety, know that you are not alone. I may not be where I want to be at this point but I'm going to try harder and push myself. It's all about reprogramming your brain to not throw up the caution tape in situations. The three things I always try to tell myself and you can too if you have anxiety is:

1. You cannot die from a panic attack.

2. If you get sick, so what? Get the car cleaned. Plus you'll probably never see those people driving next to you again.

3. ALWAYS decastrophize the situation. If you're thinking of all the horrible things that could happen, stop and think of the good that could happen. And usually even the worst thing that could happen, isn't all that bad once you think about it.

Well I hoped you learned a little or a big something about me and understand a few things more clearly now. Anxiety is a hell of a disorder but it is curable and you can overcome it and never have it again. That day is the day I cannot wait for. Also, a big thanks to the few that know and have helped me throughout this and continue to help me.

From my imperfect anxious self to all of you,

Amanda :)